Despite your best efforts, it’s impossible not to be hurt or disappointed by loved ones at some point in your life. But often the most challenging aspect of getting hurt is letting go of any lingering resentment after you forgive them. Sometimes, you may find that you’re holding a grudge — even if you’re doing so unintentionally.
Knowing what sorts of things might mean that you’re holding a grudge, even if you don’t think you are, can help you figure out a way to move forward.
Holding onto feelings of resentment is a surefire way to tell that you’re not over an issue. If you’re unable to move forward without feeling embittered or angry when you think about the incident, then you’re probably harboring a grudge.
“Moving on means choosing not to let the hurt and anger have power over you,” Kevon Owen, M.S., LPC, a clinical psychotherapist, told INSIDER. “When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong.”
If you’re mostly concerned with the other person understanding where you were coming from and ensuring that they see your side of things, that’s another potential sign that you might be holding a grudge.
“Resentment is the feeling we have been wronged by someone else and holding a grudge is the belief that we will feel better when we have shown the other person how angry we are,” Carrie Krawiec, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Troy, Michigan, told INSIDER. “If we can hurt them like they have hurt us.”
Feeling indifferent to a person is another way that you might be able to tell that you’re secretly harboring a grudge.
“Preventing yourself from feeling anything requires a lot of effort,” Owen said. “Choosing to become emotionally detached and uninterested in someone you’re trying to forgive. Why spend that much time and energy … it’s because there’s still a grudge.”
Talking through things with the person in question or working through things with the assistance of a trained professional can help you move forward, once and for all.
Grudges and boundaries often appear similar, but they are in fact quite different.
Grudges are a form of punishment. It is constantly holding something over another person’s head, not letting them recover from a past failure. It is not acceptable that people can grow and learn from mistakes. Grudges are toxic to relationships. We are all human beings, meaning we are entitled to do things that others are not okay with at some point or another. Grudges prevent someone from moving on from past wrongdoings. They prevent the other party from repairing the relationship. It is a lack of forgiveness and acceptance
A grudge often leads to burnout because it is the result of internalizing strong emotions and failing to decide what to do. It is like stepping on a piece of gum and not being able to move forward without that bump on the bottom of your shoe. A boundary is wiping that gum off, accepting the evidence that it was once there, but moving forward without that bump.
Holding a grudge can be harmful to your physical and mental health. But there are strategies you can try to help you move past your anger and hurt feelings.
Why do we hold grudges?
In a 2021 analysis, researchers examined why we hold grudges.
The researchers found six main components of holding a grudge, including:
a need for validation
moral superiority
an inability to let go
latency
severing ties
expectations of the future
Sometimes, we get so obsessed with a grudge that we develop a sort of tunnel vision. Even months or years later, we’re so committed to our anger that we start to lose perspective. Try to step out of your own feelings for a moment and think about how the other person feels. Not forgiving the person who wronged you is the essence of holding a grudge. If you forgive, you may be able to let go of your grudge and start to move on with your life. Of course, that’s easier said than done.Forgiving doesn’t mean you forget what happened, or that you’ve decided it wasn’t actually that bad. It simply means that you’re choosing to move on.
A 2021 studyTrusted Source concluded that a greater level of forgiveness is associated with lower stress and better mental health. But forgiveness isn’t always possible in every situation. If you’re a survivor of abuse or trauma, the concept of forgiveness can be a complex topic to discuss. Consider reaching out to a mental health professional for guidance on forgiveness as it relates to you and your unique situation.