When one person is deeply hurt and broken by an offense caused by another person, forgiving and forgetting may not be possible in the near future. Maybe not at all, even with time passing. It may feel like justice failed them when they do forgive and forget.
But why do a lot of people say it is better to forgive and forget?
It is not better for the one who committed the offense. They may or may not be “punished” for what they have done (at least not
“It can be very difficult and emotional process and so a therapist can be a great resource to help you with this.” Despite the difficult process, though, seeking true forgiveness can be a much more freeing experience than forgetting. “True forgiveness doesn’t erase the wrongdoing but rather frees the person who was hurt.”
So, forgetting has nothing to do with real forgiveness. Forgetting actually impedes it.
“Pretending the wrongdoing never happened doesn’t make the effects of it go away,” Hogan continued. While it might be easier in the moment to ignore the wrongdoing and act as if nothing has happened, the emotional effects of the wrongdoing are still there. Once the person who was wronged is ready to acknowledge the hurt, the healing process of forgiveness can begin.”
decisional forgiveness: making a conscious decision to let go of hurt feelings, such as anger and resentment, putting them in the past, and moving forward free of the effects those feelings can bring
emotional forgiveness: replacing negative emotions toward the person who has wronged you with positive ones such as sympathy, compassion, or empathy
If you don’t forget, can you really forgive? It can be difficult to truly forgive someone when you know how they’ve hurt you.
But no one said that forgiveness was easy. It may be extremely hard. Forgiveness may be as much for you as it is for the person to whom you’re granting it.
“Forgiveness doesn’t have anything to do with how the person who hurt you feelings. It’s about how you feel,” says Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a psychologist based in Chicago. After someone stomps all over your feelings and apologizes, you’re left at a crossroads. “The point is for you to be able to move on with your life and have some peace, so if you’re truly moving on, forgiveness might not be necessary. If you’re still hurting, then it might help to forgive someone,” says Dr. Daramus. Letting them off the hook isn’t compulsory; it’s a personal choice.
“The point is for you to be able to move on with your life and have some peace, so if you’re truly moving on, forgiveness might not be necessary.” —Aimee Darmus, PsyD
“It’s up to you, whether or not to let someone know if you forgive them,” says the psychologist. “What’s best for you? Does forgiving feel strong, or are you forgiving them because you feel like a bad person for setting limits with them?” You’re only beholden to healing that makes sense to you.